Published October 7, 2009
Best of friends
By Blue Bell
Page 1!
Evie and Lottie were best friends. They had known each
other since they were born, actually they had the same
birthday on the exact same day.”Well I was born ten min
earlier. Evie bragged. But Lottie didn’t even care she just
listened carefully while doing a picture of her and Evie.
And at the top she wrote in big bold letters
BEST OF FRIENDS!
Page 2!
Her big brother Tony marched in and grabbed her
piece of paper. “ Hey give me that back! Shouted Lottie
In an angry voice. Then Tony made a stupid story about
the picture she drew. Lottie then shouted “Stop being so stupid Tony.
Meanwhile in the garden Mum was
Apologising to Mrs. Hockings their next door neighbour about Tony’s ball incident.
"I am very sorry I will have a very serious talk with Tony.
"Thankyou so much.Said Mrs.Hockings in a lady-like way.
And off went Mum.
Page 3!
Up went Mum, her face was red as a tomato, her feet was
stamping so hard you could hear it all the way from next
door. “Who's that. Shouted Evie in scared voice.
Mum bashed in through the door BANG!! “ Tony!!!
What on earth were you thinking? First you smashed
Old Bobby’s window, second you beat up the dog, and
third you ruined Lottie and Evie’s best friends picture.
And last of not least you and your so-called mates kicked
the ball at Mrs. Hockings cat and now it’s gone missing.
Page 4
“Thanks a lot, now I have to find the missing cat before
they come after me! And Tony added “Who are they.
Then Mum raised her voice so loud that you could see
her face was boiling hot. “The police
Who else. "Now go to your room young man and wait for
to tell you to come out of it. "And you girls are going to
help me find that missing cat. “Wahoo cried the girls.
After that mum walked out the room. The girls had their
own plans.
Page 5
The girls got busy. “Ok Evie you do posters and I do the
story about a cute innocent cat. Said Lottie. And they
got cracking. Meanwhile in Tony’s bedroom there was a
knock on window. “hey Tones what are you
still doing here you should be with us playing knock –to-
knock by now. Whispered Jim one of Tony’s so-called
mates. “ Dude I'm grounded for being horrid. Mumbled
Tony. “ then sneak off with me and the gang or is it too
risky or you’ve turned into cool to mama’s boy. He joked.
Page 6
Tony had a choice to make, was he turning into a kind
Mamma’s boy or a coolest person in town. Then he got dressed and got put
his shoes on and then climbed out in such a hurry that
he forgot to close his window or hide a toy under the
bed to look just like him, so he went off with his friends
and had such fun that he forgot mum ever shouted.
At home the girls finished decorating their poster. Evie
drew a cute little sad cat on the pavement looking for a
home. And Lottie wrote:
Page 7
Name of missing cat: Murray
description of cat: it has hazel eyes very young but
delicate.
Reward: Who ever finds this cat will receive £100 .
The number to call: 073 786 2907
“I’m impressed. Said mum walking in. Then she looked
at Evie’s . “I think that they are both beautiful. “Hey why don’t we
tell Tony in case he wants to help us find the cat, anyway it was his fault
so he should help us find it. We all agreed. Then we all marched up to Tony’s room but when we got there .......
Page 8
Tony was gone! Mum looked everywhere she couldn’t see
any sign of him. Then mum’s skin was starting to cover
with goose bums. She looked straight over to the
window it was still open then she noticed there was a
rough piece of paper on the window sill. Mum picked it
up and opened it up and she read out loud:
knock –to-knock
stick bogeys on kids
go to church and fart.
make fun of people.
Page 9
Mum was shocked and surprised. Then I asked a
uestion. “Mum is Evie staying over? Mum nodded too
shocked to speak. Then Tony sneaked in from the window. “byeeeeeeee hiya mum he said to Mum in a
toned voice. “Explain your self Mr. Mum said in a impation voice
After that the row began. Evie and I sneaked off before she sweared. Evie and I rushed out-
side to start the mission . “Wait I think we should write
a letter to Mum so she knows were we are. Lottie suggested.
Then we got down to business.
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140,790 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hi! My name is Luc, and I'll be critiquing your story.
First of all, I'd like to say that I think your story has a lot of potential. However, there are a couple of things that could be improved. Other reviewers have already commented on the grammar stuff, so I won't worry about that.
First of all:
This looks to me like an "infodump", which, as the name implies, is a dump of history that doesn't really get the story moving. Some readers have the attention spans of goldfish, so it's better to get started with a bang. And I'm not saying that your characters need to be running from the scene of an explosion or anything, but something that'll grab the reader's attention. Flip through a few of your favorite books and see how they start off, for inspiration.
This is good, because you have some conflict coming in. Another reviewer commented on the dialogue, and I think she was right. Listen to how people speak in real life: they use slang, they go off on tangents, they stutter, etc. Livening up your dialogue can really make a huge difference.
Another thing I want to point out is that "said" is a perfectly fine word. People don't always need to be "crying" or "shouting" or saying things in angry or scared voices. Sometimes, words like that stand out so much to the reader that it inturrupts the flow.
So anyway, it could use some improvement, but it's a pretty solid start.
Ok, first of all your story was written in completely short, choppy sentences. Like someone above said- show, don't tell! Let us know how the characters feel and think! Also, it would be easier to read if the lines were longer and, again, you indented every time someone spoke. Also, you have to have the end quotations or else we don't know where the person's speech ends and it's hard to read. You shouldn't have to hit enter after each line- if you just let it word wrap, you won't get words capitalized in the middle of sentences.
In the dialogue, you really need to think about how people actually speak- as it is now your characters sound unrealistic. Remember punctuation- you occasionally leave out periods, exclamation points, and commas- try reading it out loud and see where you pause to get a breath, and that can help you break up run-on sentences.
For example:
See what I'm trying to say? Correcting all these grammar things will improve your story loads. Sorry if I sound really harsh, I'm just trying to help.
Good luck!
Dear Trish
Thanks for your review. I shall use your advice and do another story only much better than the one I sent.
Thanks Blue Bell
Hey there! I see you're new here. First, I'd just like to make sure you're aware of the 3:1 ratio. This means that for every one thing you post up on the site, we ask that you review three other pieces. This ratio will change to 4:1 on November 1 and 5:1 in December. Please make sure you review so that everyone's work gets reviewed.
But now, I'll get into the review of your piece!
First, I'd like to say that the format of the story is a bit distracting. I know it's like that because you separated it into pages, but it doesn't look as good like it is as it would just normally.
I started reading this because I really like stories about friends and friendship. I think that this story could be great, but there are some basic problems that should be fixed up a bit first, like the formatting as I said earlier.
One thing I noticed is that a lot of the story is just telling us what happened. Take a look at this part for example:
Now, read it out loud. Does it flow? Does it sound right? Make sure you remember what teachers are always trying to drill into our heads. SHOW don't TELL!
Also, the whole thing is like it's just one big paragraph. Nobody wants to read something that's just one big clump. Remember the rules for paragraphs. Whenever you have:
~ A new topic
~ Time changes
~ New speaker
Make a new paragraph! This will also help the flow a ton!
Lastly, the dialogue was extremely juvenile. Does anyone really talk like that. Try reading this part out loud:
I took out the description so that we just have the dialogue. I don't think that anyone would really talk like that, especially in a story. The key to good dialogue is for it to be real, and believable.
Also, most of your dialogue has either no quotation marks, or only one like these do. You need proper punctuation with dialogue and in your whole story. I also found that all the new lines had the first word capitalized, even if it's in the middle of a sentence. Only capitalize words if it's at the beginning of a sentence, or if it's a name of a person or place.
Just go through your story keeping these things in mind, and it'll be a ton better. I'd love to see an edited version! Make sure you post a new version once you've edited!
Good luck, and I hope to see you around! Please also make sure you remember the 3:1 ratio, and review some stories or poems! Make sure you look here: topic42132.html and/or post a thread in the Welcome forum and get to know more people on the site! Feel free to PM me with any questions etc. you may have. See you later!
~ Trish
Ha this certainly wasn't what I was expecting but in hindsight what more could I expect with the title 'Best Friends.' I like the way you have broken it up with pages and I agree with lala. Some more editing is required, print it off and re write it if need be but other wise it seems to be a fantastic story!
Hi i think your story is along the right track but in some parts you keep saying then and i think you need to tie it down and edit it more. Anyway its a great story and i throughly enjoyed it just maybe go over it and make it flow together.
Good luck!